I could only take so much till I break down.
It had been torment every time I woke up on a new day. Almost every night my prayer was filled with tears and basically me wanting whoever's up there to just take my life. Every morning I woke up, not feeling rested, instead I felt more and more worn out. I don't think I could handle another day.
I know that the second I go downstairs, I'll deal with whatever it is I deal with everyday. Mother banged up, bruised and crying in front of the refrigerator holding an ice pack. Father drunk, sometimes on a couch sometimes on the floor, sometimes asleep and some other unfortunate time, up and holding a baseball bat.
Everyone else would think that going to school will be better. Well, let me tell you, hell not. If anything, school is worse. I was being bullied every single day. At first they only called me things, like dork and nerd and everything else. But then it got worse; they slammed my locker’s door in front of me, they ‘accidentally’ bumped me at the hallway so hard that my books and I fell.
After you read this, you might think, why don’t you just tell someone about your problems? Here’s the thing : I have nobody to lean on. I can't let myself trust anybody. Every single person I have ever trusted turned out to be just like everyone else. Liars, two faced, backstabber, hypocrite. I have no place where I can be happy. I don't feel belong. Not at home, neither at school. Sometimes I see kids running around with their friends, children holding hands with their parents, and all I can feel inside me is jealousy.
I am full of darkness, that sometimes I think I am the dark itself. After a while I realize wherever I was at, problems will chase after me. What is it about people and me? Why do you people never accept me for just who I am? You don't know my story yet you tell what you called my story which basically was never true to every single person, even the one who primarily wanted to be friend with me.
Few years back, I was not the girl I am now. Before the father I knew died, yeah, I’d like to refer his old loving and caring self dead, before he got bankrupt and everything else falls apart, before I moved to this new high school in this new town, I had been happy. I thought I had everything, a loving family and wonderful friends. Little did I know, I never got any real friend. The second my pocket went dry they left. Just like that. My so called best friend included. I used to think that I can trust her, hah! I was so wrong. Turned out that she always badmouthed me and she told some horrible gossip about me she even called me s**t behind my back, and of course, I knew about this all at the worst time of my life. At the time when I need her the most. Since that day, I never believed in best friend anymore. There's simply no such thing.
Recently I have come to a conclusion : I don’t have any reason to live. I could die and no one will notice. I could end this suffering and float into the void. I could die and for once, I could be free.
So, dearest mother, if you’ve read this, you might have held my lifeless body in your weak arms, tears running down your bruised cheeks. Mother, I am not worth your tears. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you by doing this, but I can’t handle this anymore. Don't remember me for what I’ve done in the past 3-4 years, remember me as a little girl who would run to your arms every time I came home for school. Remember me as a young woman who always makes you laugh when you’re feeling sad. And always keep in mind, I love you.
Father, if my death doesn't make you realize that you’re a s****y father, I don't know what will. I once loved you, you were my hero, a safe place for me. I hope you will sober up, and take care of mother. She’s one amazing woman, and you're stupid if you keep beating her after her devotion to you.
People, I don't want your fake tears or griefs. I don't want your guilt either, it’s too late for that. Where are those guilt when I was alive?
I am going to a happier place. A place where I can’t feel pain, a place where troubles don't haunt me. A place where maybe, just maybe
I finally feel belong.
It had been torment every time I woke up on a new day. Almost every night my prayer was filled with tears and basically me wanting whoever's up there to just take my life. Every morning I woke up, not feeling rested, instead I felt more and more worn out. I don't think I could handle another day.
I know that the second I go downstairs, I'll deal with whatever it is I deal with everyday. Mother banged up, bruised and crying in front of the refrigerator holding an ice pack. Father drunk, sometimes on a couch sometimes on the floor, sometimes asleep and some other unfortunate time, up and holding a baseball bat.
Everyone else would think that going to school will be better. Well, let me tell you, hell not. If anything, school is worse. I was being bullied every single day. At first they only called me things, like dork and nerd and everything else. But then it got worse; they slammed my locker’s door in front of me, they ‘accidentally’ bumped me at the hallway so hard that my books and I fell.
After you read this, you might think, why don’t you just tell someone about your problems? Here’s the thing : I have nobody to lean on. I can't let myself trust anybody. Every single person I have ever trusted turned out to be just like everyone else. Liars, two faced, backstabber, hypocrite. I have no place where I can be happy. I don't feel belong. Not at home, neither at school. Sometimes I see kids running around with their friends, children holding hands with their parents, and all I can feel inside me is jealousy.
I am full of darkness, that sometimes I think I am the dark itself. After a while I realize wherever I was at, problems will chase after me. What is it about people and me? Why do you people never accept me for just who I am? You don't know my story yet you tell what you called my story which basically was never true to every single person, even the one who primarily wanted to be friend with me.
Few years back, I was not the girl I am now. Before the father I knew died, yeah, I’d like to refer his old loving and caring self dead, before he got bankrupt and everything else falls apart, before I moved to this new high school in this new town, I had been happy. I thought I had everything, a loving family and wonderful friends. Little did I know, I never got any real friend. The second my pocket went dry they left. Just like that. My so called best friend included. I used to think that I can trust her, hah! I was so wrong. Turned out that she always badmouthed me and she told some horrible gossip about me she even called me s**t behind my back, and of course, I knew about this all at the worst time of my life. At the time when I need her the most. Since that day, I never believed in best friend anymore. There's simply no such thing.
Recently I have come to a conclusion : I don’t have any reason to live. I could die and no one will notice. I could end this suffering and float into the void. I could die and for once, I could be free.
So, dearest mother, if you’ve read this, you might have held my lifeless body in your weak arms, tears running down your bruised cheeks. Mother, I am not worth your tears. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you by doing this, but I can’t handle this anymore. Don't remember me for what I’ve done in the past 3-4 years, remember me as a little girl who would run to your arms every time I came home for school. Remember me as a young woman who always makes you laugh when you’re feeling sad. And always keep in mind, I love you.
Father, if my death doesn't make you realize that you’re a s****y father, I don't know what will. I once loved you, you were my hero, a safe place for me. I hope you will sober up, and take care of mother. She’s one amazing woman, and you're stupid if you keep beating her after her devotion to you.
People, I don't want your fake tears or griefs. I don't want your guilt either, it’s too late for that. Where are those guilt when I was alive?
I am going to a happier place. A place where I can’t feel pain, a place where troubles don't haunt me. A place where maybe, just maybe
I finally feel belong.
© 2014 Naomi & Gabriela
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